Body Oddities

There was a young lady named Tweak
Who taught her vagina to speak
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible
But when fucking--not even a squeak!
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A certain young man in Hong Kong
Is posessed of a trifcurcate dong
A short one for sucking
A big one for fucking
And a honey for beating a gong.
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There was a young fellow named Kent
With a prick so long that it bent
So to save himself trouble
He bent the thing double
And instead of coming--he went.
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A certain young lady named Heather
Has a twitcher that's made of of leather
So attracts all the boys
By making a noise
By rubbing her cunt-lips together.
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There was a young man from Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass
When they clanged together
They played Stormy Weather
And lighting shot out of his ass
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There was a young lady named Dinah
With a really amazing vagina
She can twist it around
Like the cunts that are found
In Japan and Manchukou and China*
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*it was a long-standing (if incorrect) belief that Asian women had horizontal vaginas--and men had corckscrew penises.

They Said It Couldn't Be Done...

It has been said there are only three words in English that have no rhymes: oddly enough, those three words are alll colors--orange, purple and silver. Still, I happened to discover that's not quite the case. One of those words rhymes--if you use a plummy British accent!
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A lusty young bride of West Orange
Once swung by her heels from a door hinge.
In a voice loud and clear
She said, "like this dear
I think you can cram in one more inch!"

Abuses of (and by) the Clergy

I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
Said the wife with some gaiety,
"Not bad for the laiety
But the Bishop once managed thirteen!"
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Have you hard about Reverend Bing?
Who preached sermons and other fine things
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs!
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I've heard of a young lady named Alice
Who once took a piss in a chalice
Said the Priest, "such a stunt!
To twiddle your cunt
Not through need but through Protestant malice!"
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A Sally-Anne"* lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she slipped into bed
The dear virgin said
"I want to be opened with prayer!"
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* "Sally Anne" is aold British slang for a woman in the Salvation Army.
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I know of a certain young lass
Who lay with her beau in the grass,
She said, "how you fill me!
Oh darling you thrill me
Just like Father John's thumb after Mass!"
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A vice both obscure and unsavory
Keeps the Vicar of Salsbury in slavery
Amidst terrible howls
He deflowers young owls
In a crypt fitted out as an aviary.

Dangerous Toys

Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her ass in a suburb of Dallas.
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There was a young lady named Crew-Pitt
Who recently did something stupid.
When her lover had spent
She douched with cement
And gave birth to a statue of Cupid.
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Love For Sale

There was an old harlot named Lou
Who filled up her twitcher with glue
Said the gal with a grin
"if they pay to get in
They'll pay to get out of it too!"
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I know a young fellow, a Banker,
Who got Bubos, Px, Syph and a Canker,
He got all the four
From a nasty old whore
So he wrote her a le4tter to thank her.
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There was a young lady in Reno
Who lost all her dough playing Keno
So she lay on her back
And opened her crack
And now the girl owns the Casino.
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There was an old trollop in Nome
Tired out from her toes to her dome
Seven miners came screwing
Sh said, "nothing doing!
One of you has to go home!"

For Young and Old Alike

A few random limericks involving the fairer sex...
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There was a young lady named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus
Contageous diseases
And the bother of having a child.
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There was a young lady of Wheeling
Who claimed to lack sexual feeling
But a cynic named Boris
Simply touched her clitors
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
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There was a Bluestocking* of Florence
Who wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents
'Til a Spanish Grandee
Got her off with his knee
Ahd she burned all her works in abhorance.
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* For those of you not in the know (like I was when I first encountered this limerick) Bluestocking is a derogatory term (no longer in common usage) for an educated or intellectual woman. Whey they felt the need to create such a term I'll never know.
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There was an old lady named Brewster
Who dreamt that Brad Pitt had seduced her
She awoke late that night
With expectant delight
To find that her mattress had goosed her.
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There was an old woman of Tyre
Who shouted "my cunt is on fire."
A young fireman came close
And thrust in his hose
To extinguish her burning desire.

"Ass"tonishing Tails: a Hole of a Different Color

For you listening and dancing pleasure here are a few "tails" from the "dark" side...
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There was a young fellow of Brighton
Who said to his trull, "you're a tight one!"
She replied, "'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole!
There's plenty of room in the right one!"
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There was a young lad from Australia
Who painted his ass like a Dahlia
The drawing was fine
The color--divine!
The odor? Well that was a failure!
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There was a young fellow of Myence
Who fucked his own ass in defiance
Not only of habit
And moreals, but damnit!
Most of the known laws of science!
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Some time when you're drunk on Dutch Bols
Try reversing the usual roles
The backward position
Is fine for coition
And offers the choice of two holes!
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There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God
But it wasn't Jehovah
Who turned the girl over
It was Roger, the lodger--the sod!