Something "Nice" For The Holidays

There was a young lady demure
Who was so revoltingly pure
They say that one day
She fainted away
When she saw some canary manure
-
Come on people! You didn't really think I was going to be that nice--even if it IS the holiday season...

I Actually LIKE The Guy...

... but I couldn't resist making up a limerick using the President-Elect's name. So, for your listening and dancing pleasure--enjoy (unless you have made other plans.)
-
Did you hear that Michele Obama
Is engaged in some family drama
Since she caught herBarak
In a steamy lip lock
Naked, in bed with a lllama.

Joyce Melton Is Partially Responsible For This One...

I don't remember the context when/where my friend Joyce created this limerick. I've changed the wording slightly from the original version but I hope y'all enjoy it in any case...
-
A Zoomie from Edwards went bonders
Drinking jet fuel to get himself stonkers
When his asshole caught fire
He flew higher and higher
We need clearance to land him in Yonkers.

It's Relative

Bow-legged Samantha McGuzzin
Just married her knock-kneed young cousin
The sages all say
That love finds a way
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn't

This One's A Real Monster

I heard that poor old King Kong
Could not find a match for his dong
Til a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard-and-a-half
And ecstatically burst into song

A Random Act of Limerick-ing

A lady I know named St. Cyr
Has a bit revolting and queer
I said to her "Mabel,
Get up off the table!
Those quarters are there for the beer!"
-
Ah for the days when beer really was a quarter!

We Made This One At The Breakfast Table This Morning

I'm not really sure what caused Robyn and I to come up with this one but we did.
-
There was a young fellow of Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds
He waited a bit
Then found in his shit
An abundance of flowers and weeds

This One is Completely Gross

There was an old man of Bubungee
Who's balls were all covered in fungi.
One day at lunch
He broke off a bunch
And said "take this and divide it among ye."

Blame "Pushing Daisies" For This One

The October 8th episode of Pushing Daisies featured the first two lines of a limerick. They didn't finish it--for obvious reasons so it was left up to me to complet the work. So here it is...
-
There was a young man named von Dinas
Who reportedly had a HUGE penis
But the sight of his prick
Made everyone sick.
He had several diseases of Venus.

Missing Pieces

A handsome young sailor named Bates
Once did the fandango on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
-
The wife of an athlete named Chuck
Has found herself shit-out-of-luck
Since he went to play Hockey
Without wearing his jockey
Now he's missing the tools for a fuck.
-
When a certain young lady named Sue
Lost her cherry she moaned "what shall I do?"
"Don't cry," said her mother
"We'll make you another
Of rubber and red ink and glue.

Bad Girls

There was a young lass from Madrid
A most reprehensible kid
Told her Tante Louise
That her cunt smelled like cheese
And the worst of it was that it did.
-
A lassie from Sioux Sault Marie
Alas, was as bored as could be
So she sat on the stairs
And counted cunt hairs
Five-thousand-six-hunxred-and-three!
-

Back To School Fun

A young man attending St. Johns
Decided to bugger the swans
Then up came a Porter
Who said "butter me daughter
Them swans is reserved for the Dons"
-

Medical Miracles

A nurse who was trained in Japan
Lifts men by their pricks to the can
It's a trick of jiu-jitsu
And either it shits you
Or makes you feel more like a man!
-

Olympic Gold

Since it's the Olympics how could I not write a limerick or two?
-
A gymnast who hails from Beijing
Has a twat that can whistle and sing
She caused quite a scene
In her "floor ex" routine
But it still was a "Gold Medal" thing.
-
I know a young fellow named Locke
Who did the pole vault with his cock
He got lots of lift
And a minimum drift
But gave all the judges a shock
-

Body Oddities

There was a young lady named Tweak
Who taught her vagina to speak
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible
But when fucking--not even a squeak!
-
A certain young man in Hong Kong
Is posessed of a trifcurcate dong
A short one for sucking
A big one for fucking
And a honey for beating a gong.
-
There was a young fellow named Kent
With a prick so long that it bent
So to save himself trouble
He bent the thing double
And instead of coming--he went.
-
A certain young lady named Heather
Has a twitcher that's made of of leather
So attracts all the boys
By making a noise
By rubbing her cunt-lips together.
-
There was a young man from Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass
When they clanged together
They played Stormy Weather
And lighting shot out of his ass
-
There was a young lady named Dinah
With a really amazing vagina
She can twist it around
Like the cunts that are found
In Japan and Manchukou and China*
-
*it was a long-standing (if incorrect) belief that Asian women had horizontal vaginas--and men had corckscrew penises.

They Said It Couldn't Be Done...

It has been said there are only three words in English that have no rhymes: oddly enough, those three words are alll colors--orange, purple and silver. Still, I happened to discover that's not quite the case. One of those words rhymes--if you use a plummy British accent!
-
A lusty young bride of West Orange
Once swung by her heels from a door hinge.
In a voice loud and clear
She said, "like this dear
I think you can cram in one more inch!"

Abuses of (and by) the Clergy

I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
Said the wife with some gaiety,
"Not bad for the laiety
But the Bishop once managed thirteen!"
-
Have you hard about Reverend Bing?
Who preached sermons and other fine things
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs!
-
I've heard of a young lady named Alice
Who once took a piss in a chalice
Said the Priest, "such a stunt!
To twiddle your cunt
Not through need but through Protestant malice!"
-
A Sally-Anne"* lassie named Claire
Was having her first love affair.
As she slipped into bed
The dear virgin said
"I want to be opened with prayer!"
-
* "Sally Anne" is aold British slang for a woman in the Salvation Army.
-
I know of a certain young lass
Who lay with her beau in the grass,
She said, "how you fill me!
Oh darling you thrill me
Just like Father John's thumb after Mass!"
-
A vice both obscure and unsavory
Keeps the Vicar of Salsbury in slavery
Amidst terrible howls
He deflowers young owls
In a crypt fitted out as an aviary.

Dangerous Toys

Nymphomaniacal Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her ass in a suburb of Dallas.
-
There was a young lady named Crew-Pitt
Who recently did something stupid.
When her lover had spent
She douched with cement
And gave birth to a statue of Cupid.
-

Love For Sale

There was an old harlot named Lou
Who filled up her twitcher with glue
Said the gal with a grin
"if they pay to get in
They'll pay to get out of it too!"
-
I know a young fellow, a Banker,
Who got Bubos, Px, Syph and a Canker,
He got all the four
From a nasty old whore
So he wrote her a le4tter to thank her.
-
There was a young lady in Reno
Who lost all her dough playing Keno
So she lay on her back
And opened her crack
And now the girl owns the Casino.
-
There was an old trollop in Nome
Tired out from her toes to her dome
Seven miners came screwing
Sh said, "nothing doing!
One of you has to go home!"

For Young and Old Alike

A few random limericks involving the fairer sex...
-
There was a young lady named Wylde
Who kept herself quite undefiled
By thinking of Jesus
Contageous diseases
And the bother of having a child.
-
There was a young lady of Wheeling
Who claimed to lack sexual feeling
But a cynic named Boris
Simply touched her clitors
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.
-
There was a Bluestocking* of Florence
Who wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents
'Til a Spanish Grandee
Got her off with his knee
Ahd she burned all her works in abhorance.
-
* For those of you not in the know (like I was when I first encountered this limerick) Bluestocking is a derogatory term (no longer in common usage) for an educated or intellectual woman. Whey they felt the need to create such a term I'll never know.
-
There was an old lady named Brewster
Who dreamt that Brad Pitt had seduced her
She awoke late that night
With expectant delight
To find that her mattress had goosed her.
-
There was an old woman of Tyre
Who shouted "my cunt is on fire."
A young fireman came close
And thrust in his hose
To extinguish her burning desire.

"Ass"tonishing Tails: a Hole of a Different Color

For you listening and dancing pleasure here are a few "tails" from the "dark" side...
-
There was a young fellow of Brighton
Who said to his trull, "you're a tight one!"
She replied, "'pon my soul
You're in the wrong hole!
There's plenty of room in the right one!"
-
There was a young lad from Australia
Who painted his ass like a Dahlia
The drawing was fine
The color--divine!
The odor? Well that was a failure!
-
There was a young fellow of Myence
Who fucked his own ass in defiance
Not only of habit
And moreals, but damnit!
Most of the known laws of science!
-
Some time when you're drunk on Dutch Bols
Try reversing the usual roles
The backward position
Is fine for coition
And offers the choice of two holes!
-
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God
But it wasn't Jehovah
Who turned the girl over
It was Roger, the lodger--the sod!

Middle-Eastern Madness

This first limerick isn't at all dirty but it's one of the first limericks I ever learned so I thought I'd share it...
-
There was a young boy of Bagdahd
An inquisitive sort of a lad.
He said "I shall see
If a sting has a bee."
And he very soon found that it had!
-
Now for the dirty limericks you tuned in for...
-
The Sultan of old Istambul
Had a vericose vein in his tool.
It evoked joyous grunts
From his harem of cunts
But his boys suffered pain at the stool.
-
A wonderful tribe are the Persians
Who practice delightful diversions
They fuck every day
In the regular way
And save up the nights for perversions!
-
There was an eccentric from Mecca
Who purchased a record from Decca
He spun the thing on his thumb
(These eccentrics are dumb!)
And needled the disk with his pecca!
-
I just made these two up...
-
An Arabic lass from Iraq
Likes soldiers to visit her shack
Our boys or Iraqui
Staight, kinky or wacky
They love her and keep coming back!
-
Three virgins who hail from Danmascus
Say "we'd put out but nobody will ask us!"
The ladies said "please
We're down on our knees
And beggin for someone to crack us!"
-

For the June Bride

There once was a bride of North Liecester
Whose mother she kissed and she blessed her.
And she said "your in luck
He's a stunning good fuck!
For I've had 'im meself down in Chester!"
-
There was a young bride of Hong Kong
Who said to her coolie "it's wrong
To claim my vagina's
The largest in China
Because of your poor little dong!"
-
There was a young bride of St. Cyr
With a habit revolting and queer.
Her husband said "Mabel
Please get off the table
Those quarters are there for the beer!"

The Duchess, The Duchesss...

I sat with the Duchess at tea
And it was as bad as could be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenominal!
And everyone thought it was me.

Royal Treats

Did you know that the Duchess of Kent
Has a twat that's so gnarled and bent
The lady did stammer
"'Twould take a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent!"
-
I've heard that the Queen of Svoboda
Has built an amazing pagoda
She lined the four walls
With the skin from the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.
-
Thank God for the Duchess of Glouster
She obliges all that acost her
She welcomes the prick
Of Tom, Harry or Dick
Or Baldwin--or even Lord Astor.
-
And now a triple limerick to finish off the post...
-
First up spoke the young King of Spain
Who said "I find fucking a pain
But I think that to frig
Is not infra dig
So I do it again and again
-
Then up spoke the King of Siam
"For pussy I don't give a damn
But nothing compares
To the velvety hairs
On the butt-like-a-peach on a man!"
-
At least quoth the Bey of Algeirs
To a chorus of loud and long cheers
"Call the deed what you will
It still gives me a thrill
Because fucking IS fucking my dears!"

Working Men

A builder whose name is John Rawls
Fell asleep in his old overalls
And when he woke up he
Discovered a puppy
Had bitten off both of his balls.
-
A studly young plumber named Lee
Was plumbing a lass by the sea
Said teh lass "stop your plumbing
I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "it's me!"
-
Did you know that Vanessa McKay
Seduced a young farmer one day?
She said to the ploughman
"My God, do it now man!
Don't wait for your hair to turn gray!"
-

Animal Adventures

There was a young man from Woods Hole
Who had an affair with a mole.
Though a bit of a nancy
He did like to fancy
Himself in the dominant role!
-
I've heard of a lass named Priscilla
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.
And the taste was so fine
Men and beasts stood in line
Including a stud armadilla!
-
There was a young lady of Wohl's Hill
Who sat herself down on a moles hill
The resident mole
Stuck his head up her hole
The lady's OK but the mole's ill.
-
A farmer, one Edward McGill
Whose deeds grew excedeingly ill
His many bad habits
Involved bunny rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill
-

Blame Sprocket

I was told my friend Paul "Sprocket" Schmidt that I could make up a Limerick for ANY line (except for "purple", "orange" and "silver" (since there are no words that rhyme with these). Said Sprocket: "fine, try this one!" And he spake the first line. I quickly came up with lines two, three and four but was stuck for the last line. In the end it was my friend Joyce Melton to provide that for me. So I guess this is a limerick written by committee. Enjoy!
-
There once was a lass from Tasmania,
Whose lovers were zany and zanier.
She'd travel around
Screwing Jugglers and Clowns
A courious erotomania!
-
And speaking of Sprocket--here's a Limerick about the dear boy himself.
-
There was a young fellow named Sprocket.
Who was blown down the street by a rocket.
Said the boy with a grin
As he set off again.
"If you haven't tried it, don't knock it!"

Limericks from India

I know of a lass from Madras
With a really magnificent ass!
It's not rounded and pink
As you probably think.
It's gray, has long ears and eats grass!
-
And here's another one from Madras . . .
-
There was a young man from Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass
When they clanged together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!
-
An oldster who hailed from Calcutta,
Exclaimed while preparing to futter.
"If her Bartholin Glands
Won't respond to my hands,
I suppose I shall have to use butter!"
-
There was a young man from Rangoon
Who farted into a balloon.
The thing flew so high
That it stuck in the sky
And stank out the man in the moon!
-
Oh, and, yes I DO know that Rangoon is not in India--but at least it's close...
-

Random Dirty Limericks

A pansy who liived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, tom whom.
-
I know a young fellow named Kevin
Who sends all his lovers to heaven.
But none of them speak
Of his style or rechnique
For he kills them all. Film at eleven!
-
Said Lady Vanessa O'Shay
"My it's been a VERY full day!"
I've had three cherry tarts,
At least twenty farts,
Two shits and a bloody fine lay!"
-