Veggie Tales

Just made this up today. Honestly I don't know why...
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There was a young lady named Barrett
Who lived in a tiny old garret
With no room for a beau
She was lonely and so
She pleasured herself with a carrot
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An Italian, one Marco Bellini
Once fucked himself with a zucchini
Then--just for spite--
At dinner that night
He cooked it and served it. The meanie!

Abuse Of The Clergy PART DEUX

Said the Priest to Miss Brigit McLennon
"Sure a kiss of your twat isn't sinnin'."
And he stuck to his story
Til he tasted the gory
And menstreuous state she was then in.
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There was a young lady of Devon
Who was raped in a garden by seven
High Anglican Priests--
the lascivious beasts--
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
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There was a young prelate named Swope
Who wanted to bugger the Pope
To destroy the division
Between Lust and Religion
(And on the side get an Archbishop's Cope.)
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A fellow who studied at Trinity
Shattered his sister's virginity
Buggered his brother
Had twins with his Mother
And took honors at the School of Divinity.

Honest Injun

OK, I know it's hardly politically correct but how many words rhyme with Native American. In any case, here is a limerick tribute to the indigenous peoples of North America...
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Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day
Said GIRLS ON THE WAY.
BUT WHAT IN THE HELL'S A PANOE?
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An indian squaw up in Wohunt
Had a famos collapseable cunt
It had varied used
Produced no papooses
But fitted both giant and runt.
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I wrote these next two with the help of my lady Robyn--mainly just to see if I could.
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An Indian maid, a Comanche
When she comes she screams just like a banshee
But during a boff
Her clitoris fell off
Now the question ain't will she but can she?
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A virginal brave of the Navajo
Decided at pussy to have a go
Then he said with a leer
"Well I guess I'm a queer
For the sight and the smell just disgust me so."

How RUDE!

There was a young fellow of Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
Said his damsel demure
"You'll excuse me, I'm sure
But I must say you fuck like a farmer!"
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There was a young girl of Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn
Though he diddled his best
And fucked her with zest,
She kept saying, "hey Pop! Is it in?"
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There was a young lady of Dover
Who's passion was such that it drove her
To cry when you came
"Oh dear! What a shame"
"I suppose we shall have to start over!"
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Spent The Weekend With The In-Laws...

... and I got so bored I decided to compose limericks for the entire family. NOTE TO IN-LAWS" these limericks are based on your names only. It is in no way intended to be a negative comment on you or inidicate anything remotely truthful about your family. I just wanted to see if I could do it.
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Use the French pronounciation of the first name to make it work.
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A certain old man named Robert
Is covered in black curly hair
When I saw the man nude
I shot the poor dude
I mistook him, I fear, for a bear.
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An Arabic Princess named Wendy
Has a body that's curvy and bend-y
Sheiks and Fedayin
Think the girl's really keen.
Try her! You'll like her, effemdi.
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A proper young lady named Charolotte
Was seduced by some wicked old varlet
He gave her a quid
For the things that he did
Now everyone calls her a harlot.
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A sweet Sourthern peach called Miss Lauren
Decided one day to go whorin'
She said with a smile
"I did it a while"
"But quit it. It really was borin'."

Tales of Nantucket

Here are a pair of Limericks featuring the lovely little island of Nantucket. The first is quite famous--but I've included all three verses so you can have the "whole" story. The other is, of course, dirty.
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There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter named Nan,
Ran away with a man.
And as for the bucket, Nantucket!
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So he followed the pair to Pawtucket
(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
He said to the man
"You are welcome to Nan!"
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
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Then the pair followed Pa to Manhaset
Where he still held the cash as an asset
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran
And as for the bucket, Manhaset!
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And now the dirty version. (Come on--that's why you read this blog!)
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There was an old man of Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could suck it
Said the man with a grin
As he wiped off his chine
"If my nose was a cunt I could fuck it."

Diseased

I know a young fellow--a Banker
Who got Bubos, Pox, Syph and a chanker
He got all the four
From a nasty old whore
So he wrote her a letter to thank her.
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There was an old man of North Ipswich
Who had syphalis, pox and an itch
His name was McNabb
And he also had crabs
That dirty old son-of-a-bitch
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A fellow from old Istambul
Discovered red spots on his tool
His doctor, a cynic
said "please leave the clinic
"And wipe off the lipstick you fool!"
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A Norwegian whose name was Canute
Was troubled by warts on his root
Her poured acid on those
And wherever he goes
He can now play his cock like a flute