Middle-Eastern Madness

This first limerick isn't at all dirty but it's one of the first limericks I ever learned so I thought I'd share it...
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There was a young boy of Bagdahd
An inquisitive sort of a lad.
He said "I shall see
If a sting has a bee."
And he very soon found that it had!
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Now for the dirty limericks you tuned in for...
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The Sultan of old Istambul
Had a vericose vein in his tool.
It evoked joyous grunts
From his harem of cunts
But his boys suffered pain at the stool.
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A wonderful tribe are the Persians
Who practice delightful diversions
They fuck every day
In the regular way
And save up the nights for perversions!
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There was an eccentric from Mecca
Who purchased a record from Decca
He spun the thing on his thumb
(These eccentrics are dumb!)
And needled the disk with his pecca!
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I just made these two up...
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An Arabic lass from Iraq
Likes soldiers to visit her shack
Our boys or Iraqui
Staight, kinky or wacky
They love her and keep coming back!
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Three virgins who hail from Danmascus
Say "we'd put out but nobody will ask us!"
The ladies said "please
We're down on our knees
And beggin for someone to crack us!"
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For the June Bride

There once was a bride of North Liecester
Whose mother she kissed and she blessed her.
And she said "your in luck
He's a stunning good fuck!
For I've had 'im meself down in Chester!"
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There was a young bride of Hong Kong
Who said to her coolie "it's wrong
To claim my vagina's
The largest in China
Because of your poor little dong!"
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There was a young bride of St. Cyr
With a habit revolting and queer.
Her husband said "Mabel
Please get off the table
Those quarters are there for the beer!"

The Duchess, The Duchesss...

I sat with the Duchess at tea
And it was as bad as could be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenominal!
And everyone thought it was me.

Royal Treats

Did you know that the Duchess of Kent
Has a twat that's so gnarled and bent
The lady did stammer
"'Twould take a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent!"
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I've heard that the Queen of Svoboda
Has built an amazing pagoda
She lined the four walls
With the skin from the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.
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Thank God for the Duchess of Glouster
She obliges all that acost her
She welcomes the prick
Of Tom, Harry or Dick
Or Baldwin--or even Lord Astor.
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And now a triple limerick to finish off the post...
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First up spoke the young King of Spain
Who said "I find fucking a pain
But I think that to frig
Is not infra dig
So I do it again and again
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Then up spoke the King of Siam
"For pussy I don't give a damn
But nothing compares
To the velvety hairs
On the butt-like-a-peach on a man!"
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At least quoth the Bey of Algeirs
To a chorus of loud and long cheers
"Call the deed what you will
It still gives me a thrill
Because fucking IS fucking my dears!"

Working Men

A builder whose name is John Rawls
Fell asleep in his old overalls
And when he woke up he
Discovered a puppy
Had bitten off both of his balls.
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A studly young plumber named Lee
Was plumbing a lass by the sea
Said teh lass "stop your plumbing
I hear someone coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "it's me!"
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Did you know that Vanessa McKay
Seduced a young farmer one day?
She said to the ploughman
"My God, do it now man!
Don't wait for your hair to turn gray!"
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Animal Adventures

There was a young man from Woods Hole
Who had an affair with a mole.
Though a bit of a nancy
He did like to fancy
Himself in the dominant role!
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I've heard of a lass named Priscilla
Who flavored her cunt with vanilla.
And the taste was so fine
Men and beasts stood in line
Including a stud armadilla!
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There was a young lady of Wohl's Hill
Who sat herself down on a moles hill
The resident mole
Stuck his head up her hole
The lady's OK but the mole's ill.
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A farmer, one Edward McGill
Whose deeds grew excedeingly ill
His many bad habits
Involved bunny rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill
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Blame Sprocket

I was told my friend Paul "Sprocket" Schmidt that I could make up a Limerick for ANY line (except for "purple", "orange" and "silver" (since there are no words that rhyme with these). Said Sprocket: "fine, try this one!" And he spake the first line. I quickly came up with lines two, three and four but was stuck for the last line. In the end it was my friend Joyce Melton to provide that for me. So I guess this is a limerick written by committee. Enjoy!
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There once was a lass from Tasmania,
Whose lovers were zany and zanier.
She'd travel around
Screwing Jugglers and Clowns
A courious erotomania!
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And speaking of Sprocket--here's a Limerick about the dear boy himself.
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There was a young fellow named Sprocket.
Who was blown down the street by a rocket.
Said the boy with a grin
As he set off again.
"If you haven't tried it, don't knock it!"

Limericks from India

I know of a lass from Madras
With a really magnificent ass!
It's not rounded and pink
As you probably think.
It's gray, has long ears and eats grass!
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And here's another one from Madras . . .
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There was a young man from Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass
When they clanged together
They played Stormy Weather
And lightning shot out of his ass!
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An oldster who hailed from Calcutta,
Exclaimed while preparing to futter.
"If her Bartholin Glands
Won't respond to my hands,
I suppose I shall have to use butter!"
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There was a young man from Rangoon
Who farted into a balloon.
The thing flew so high
That it stuck in the sky
And stank out the man in the moon!
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Oh, and, yes I DO know that Rangoon is not in India--but at least it's close...
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Random Dirty Limericks

A pansy who liived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, tom whom.
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I know a young fellow named Kevin
Who sends all his lovers to heaven.
But none of them speak
Of his style or rechnique
For he kills them all. Film at eleven!
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Said Lady Vanessa O'Shay
"My it's been a VERY full day!"
I've had three cherry tarts,
At least twenty farts,
Two shits and a bloody fine lay!"
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