2 Vacation Limericks

I just got back from vacation and in additon to a bunch of photographs I came back to with a pair of new limericks.  The first came to me when I was in Portland Oregon and our tour guide told us about a place called Voodoo Donuts.  (She's obsessed with them it seems.)  In addition to being able to buy doughnuts covered in Oreos, Cheerios and Fruit loops (not to mention bacon-topped Maple Bars) you can special order doughnuts in the shape of body parts.  This news inspired me to write the lines below.  (NOTE: our Guide's name is deliberately misspelled lest someone do an Internet Search: the limerick is a product of my own fevered imagination.)
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Our Tour Guide--dear Miss Megun Fryttz

Wanted Donuts in the shape of huge tits.

She bought some last fall

Twelve dozen in all

But the price nearly gave her the fits!

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The next one came to me while we were sitting in the San Francisco Airport waiting for a delayed flight.  A flight for Austin Texas was boarding while we were waiting and I came up with this little gem...

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A fellow who came in from Austin

Took a really small plane bound for Boston

It had room for his ass

And five gallons of gas

But his balls hung below and he lost 'em.

Classical Allusions

"For the fifth time, dear Daphnis," said Chloe.
"You've told me my bosom is snowy.
You've made much fine verse on
Each part of my person.
Now DO something!  There's a good boy,"

Veggie Tales

Just made this up today. Honestly I don't know why...
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There was a young lady named Barrett
Who lived in a tiny old garret
With no room for a beau
She was lonely and so
She pleasured herself with a carrot
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An Italian, one Marco Bellini
Once fucked himself with a zucchini
Then--just for spite--
At dinner that night
He cooked it and served it. The meanie!

Abuse Of The Clergy PART DEUX

Said the Priest to Miss Brigit McLennon
"Sure a kiss of your twat isn't sinnin'."
And he stuck to his story
Til he tasted the gory
And menstreuous state she was then in.
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There was a young lady of Devon
Who was raped in a garden by seven
High Anglican Priests--
the lascivious beasts--
Of such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
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There was a young prelate named Swope
Who wanted to bugger the Pope
To destroy the division
Between Lust and Religion
(And on the side get an Archbishop's Cope.)
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A fellow who studied at Trinity
Shattered his sister's virginity
Buggered his brother
Had twins with his Mother
And took honors at the School of Divinity.

Honest Injun

OK, I know it's hardly politically correct but how many words rhyme with Native American. In any case, here is a limerick tribute to the indigenous peoples of North America...
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Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day
Said GIRLS ON THE WAY.
BUT WHAT IN THE HELL'S A PANOE?
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An indian squaw up in Wohunt
Had a famos collapseable cunt
It had varied used
Produced no papooses
But fitted both giant and runt.
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I wrote these next two with the help of my lady Robyn--mainly just to see if I could.
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An Indian maid, a Comanche
When she comes she screams just like a banshee
But during a boff
Her clitoris fell off
Now the question ain't will she but can she?
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A virginal brave of the Navajo
Decided at pussy to have a go
Then he said with a leer
"Well I guess I'm a queer
For the sight and the smell just disgust me so."

How RUDE!

There was a young fellow of Parma
Who was solemnly screwing his charmer.
Said his damsel demure
"You'll excuse me, I'm sure
But I must say you fuck like a farmer!"
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There was a young girl of Berlin
Who was fucked by an elderly Finn
Though he diddled his best
And fucked her with zest,
She kept saying, "hey Pop! Is it in?"
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There was a young lady of Dover
Who's passion was such that it drove her
To cry when you came
"Oh dear! What a shame"
"I suppose we shall have to start over!"
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Spent The Weekend With The In-Laws...

... and I got so bored I decided to compose limericks for the entire family. NOTE TO IN-LAWS" these limericks are based on your names only. It is in no way intended to be a negative comment on you or inidicate anything remotely truthful about your family. I just wanted to see if I could do it.
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Use the French pronounciation of the first name to make it work.
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A certain old man named Robert
Is covered in black curly hair
When I saw the man nude
I shot the poor dude
I mistook him, I fear, for a bear.
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An Arabic Princess named Wendy
Has a body that's curvy and bend-y
Sheiks and Fedayin
Think the girl's really keen.
Try her! You'll like her, effemdi.
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A proper young lady named Charolotte
Was seduced by some wicked old varlet
He gave her a quid
For the things that he did
Now everyone calls her a harlot.
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A sweet Sourthern peach called Miss Lauren
Decided one day to go whorin'
She said with a smile
"I did it a while"
"But quit it. It really was borin'."

Tales of Nantucket

Here are a pair of Limericks featuring the lovely little island of Nantucket. The first is quite famous--but I've included all three verses so you can have the "whole" story. The other is, of course, dirty.
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There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
His daughter named Nan,
Ran away with a man.
And as for the bucket, Nantucket!
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So he followed the pair to Pawtucket
(Nan and the man with the bucket.)
He said to the man
"You are welcome to Nan!"
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket.
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Then the pair followed Pa to Manhaset
Where he still held the cash as an asset
But Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran
And as for the bucket, Manhaset!
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And now the dirty version. (Come on--that's why you read this blog!)
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There was an old man of Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could suck it
Said the man with a grin
As he wiped off his chine
"If my nose was a cunt I could fuck it."

Diseased

I know a young fellow--a Banker
Who got Bubos, Pox, Syph and a chanker
He got all the four
From a nasty old whore
So he wrote her a letter to thank her.
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There was an old man of North Ipswich
Who had syphalis, pox and an itch
His name was McNabb
And he also had crabs
That dirty old son-of-a-bitch
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A fellow from old Istambul
Discovered red spots on his tool
His doctor, a cynic
said "please leave the clinic
"And wipe off the lipstick you fool!"
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A Norwegian whose name was Canute
Was troubled by warts on his root
Her poured acid on those
And wherever he goes
He can now play his cock like a flute

Something "Nice" For The Holidays

There was a young lady demure
Who was so revoltingly pure
They say that one day
She fainted away
When she saw some canary manure
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Come on people! You didn't really think I was going to be that nice--even if it IS the holiday season...

I Actually LIKE The Guy...

... but I couldn't resist making up a limerick using the President-Elect's name. So, for your listening and dancing pleasure--enjoy (unless you have made other plans.)
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Did you hear that Michele Obama
Is engaged in some family drama
Since she caught herBarak
In a steamy lip lock
Naked, in bed with a lllama.

Joyce Melton Is Partially Responsible For This One...

I don't remember the context when/where my friend Joyce created this limerick. I've changed the wording slightly from the original version but I hope y'all enjoy it in any case...
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A Zoomie from Edwards went bonders
Drinking jet fuel to get himself stonkers
When his asshole caught fire
He flew higher and higher
We need clearance to land him in Yonkers.

It's Relative

Bow-legged Samantha McGuzzin
Just married her knock-kneed young cousin
The sages all say
That love finds a way
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn't

This One's A Real Monster

I heard that poor old King Kong
Could not find a match for his dong
Til a friendly giraffe
Quaffed his yard-and-a-half
And ecstatically burst into song

A Random Act of Limerick-ing

A lady I know named St. Cyr
Has a bit revolting and queer
I said to her "Mabel,
Get up off the table!
Those quarters are there for the beer!"
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Ah for the days when beer really was a quarter!

We Made This One At The Breakfast Table This Morning

I'm not really sure what caused Robyn and I to come up with this one but we did.
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There was a young fellow of Leeds
Who swallowed a package of seeds
He waited a bit
Then found in his shit
An abundance of flowers and weeds

This One is Completely Gross

There was an old man of Bubungee
Who's balls were all covered in fungi.
One day at lunch
He broke off a bunch
And said "take this and divide it among ye."

Blame "Pushing Daisies" For This One

The October 8th episode of Pushing Daisies featured the first two lines of a limerick. They didn't finish it--for obvious reasons so it was left up to me to complet the work. So here it is...
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There was a young man named von Dinas
Who reportedly had a HUGE penis
But the sight of his prick
Made everyone sick.
He had several diseases of Venus.

Missing Pieces

A handsome young sailor named Bates
Once did the fandango on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
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The wife of an athlete named Chuck
Has found herself shit-out-of-luck
Since he went to play Hockey
Without wearing his jockey
Now he's missing the tools for a fuck.
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When a certain young lady named Sue
Lost her cherry she moaned "what shall I do?"
"Don't cry," said her mother
"We'll make you another
Of rubber and red ink and glue.

Bad Girls

There was a young lass from Madrid
A most reprehensible kid
Told her Tante Louise
That her cunt smelled like cheese
And the worst of it was that it did.
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A lassie from Sioux Sault Marie
Alas, was as bored as could be
So she sat on the stairs
And counted cunt hairs
Five-thousand-six-hunxred-and-three!
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